stigma_vastu
Hedvig
Hedvig indeed can be called a survivor. She is a 27 year old, who have been through more than 13 years of abuse, 4 suicide attempts and 2 murder attempts.
Her biological father left the family when Hedvig was little. After that some time passed and Hedvig’s mom fell in love with another man and the family moved in with him on Saaremaa, where they lived in a tiny village. Stepfather’s issues with alcohol were worsening little by little. He worked in Finland as a construction worker, but there was never enough money - her stepfather had been drinking the money away non-stop. In addition he was unable to control his aggression, and he had been in an abundance of fights. The mother, trying to balance financially the life of a family with 2 children with work, invoices and taxes, counted the last coins to get by, to buy some bread and necessities.
When mom was away, the stepfather could find any reason sufficient to punish the children physically. Eventually, Hedvig had started to fear her stepfather already in kindergarten. The stepfather was drunk often, so on Saaremaa he found friends with similar interests. One of the most bright memories of Hedvig from childhood is the road to home after kindergarten, entering home, where she observed the sight of her stepfather laying on the floor with a bottle of vodka standing beside him, porn playing on TV and TV remote control melting on the kitchen plate.
The stepfather was violent towards the mother as well, though at same time she was doing her best to stand between the man and the littles defending them. When Hedvig was 5 years old, her stepfather attacked her mom with slippers and dishes. Hedvig and her big brother were on the second floor praying that their mom would stay alive.
When Hedvig reached 6, then her stepfather started to harass her sexually as well. The stepfather was manipulative and could easily convince a child that it was their fault, and thus, Hedvig did not have enough courage to speak out loud about those incidents before she became an adult, and she has been even excusing the stepfather’s behaviour, when someone found it was suspicious.
When Hedvig was 10 years old, the stepfather decided that he had enough of “them spending his money” and threatened with an axe. When Hedvig’s mom commanded to pack all the things as fast as possible, Hedvig and her big brother did not take it seriously at first, because earlier, there were the same escape moments, though every time it ended up with them staying. Hedvig’s brother ran off to call for the police, Hedvig and her mom got in the car, at the same time the stepfather went to get his axe.
It was a mess, the stepfather tried to get into the car, but mom was able to finally get the car going. The police went to their house multiple times, but the stepfather was in a good relationship with the policemen, so they believed him more than his wife.
He persuaded them that she is just hysterical and insane. But this time, they at least took him in to sober up. This gave Hedvig’s mom and her children an opportunity to escape.
1,5 year after that incident the family has reunited with stepfather. The stepfather was sober for some time due to alcohol rehabilitation therapy with an “ampulle”, which causes nausea when a person drinks alcohol. Relatives were speeding up the process of reunion also, thus, Hedvig’s mom had forgiven him, regardless of the second extremely violent incident, which happened a bit later. Hedvig’s mom got pregnant and they got married. At their marriage ceremony he was already awfully drunk.
Due to alcohol excessive drinking stepfather was falling and failing as a human, and with years it only got worse. During Hedvig’s childhood was the man as strong as a lion, manipulative and sly, but when Hedvig was a teenager, his speech was incoherent and physically was not as frightening as before.
As a child, Hedvig tried to rationalize her environment with at least something: has she been a serial killer in previous life? Or perhaps, she killed her family in her previous life? Hedvig immersed herself in books and extracurricular activities, spending most of her time away from home, and when she was at home, she spent her time in fantasy worlds.
Academics were Hedvig’s cup of tea, it was never a problem for her. She participated in all knowledge olympiads possible. However, she reached a point, when she was lacking enough courage just to speak with classmates. At a young age, during puberty, it was evident that Hedvig suffered from anorexia, symptoms of anxiety disorder occurred, as well as suicidal thoughts. Food self-deprivation and self-harm were just like a method to get life under control, because back at home, there ruled chaos and lack of any kind of protection. For some time she gave up on solid foods. However, instead of noticing the problem, many were cheering her for training so hard.
Hedvig had been hiding her scars from self-harmful acts for a long time, because she feared others would find this dramatic, theatrical and ridiculous. To some extent, this was an extreme scream for help, but throughout the years the purpose would change to have more of a soothing effect. There were moments when Hedvig was depending on that effect of self-harm a lot.
When Hedvig was 16 years old, her mom managed to get the stepfather out of their home. At that moment, the man was totally degenerated, he could not do anything besides laying, watching TV and drinking alcohol. He drank his strength and memory off, not recalling everything he had done.
When Hedvig was 20, studied music therapy at Tallinn University and lived in her small dormitory apartament, she got to know that the man commited suicide.
For her it was the last drop of her self-control. She was trying to get some help, but it was all in vain, and the sensation that he passed on without atonement for the crimes he commited and left her alone with all those terrifying memories, was devastating.
She was going to commit her first suicide attempt, but her friend safed her sending her to psychiatric clinic. There she spent in total about 3 months, and as a result of prescribed drugs and a belief that life ends now, she started to talk about her life openly, about what was happening to her. And her mom got to know about this too. Hedvig’s mom had never had guessed that her child had undergone such a thing and that was horrifyingly difficult for her to accept - her good, successful and clever child was to be found at a hospital with 1000 scars all over the body and without any desire to keep on living. However, they managed to build their relationship again and now it is stronger than ever before.
It’s been 3 years since the last suicide attempt. For now, Hedvig plans to enter university once again to study social work, and for her, it is crucial to share her story without embarrassment or fear, because she was not at fault. She works as an “experience advisor” (“kogemusnõustaja”) and a support person, and she is very dedicated to that every kid’s childhood would be at least a bit better than her own. Regardless of the fact that she needs to use multiple drugs and to visit specialists for the rest of her life, she says that her main aim now is to experience as much joy as possible and do those things that make her happy.
“What I would like to tell someone experiencing something similar - the help is needed. You are worth it. Tour problems are something to be taken seriously. Those kinds of issues do not resolve on their own. If someone made a mistake, that could not be your fault, especially when you were a child! The most important message always is that no matter how difficult it might be, you can experience joy and do things, which are your field of interests, you can be with people dear to you.”
