stigma_vastu
Sofia
“You should always listen to yourself!”
Sofia doesn’t keep in touch with her family. Previously her family would make all the decisions in Sofia’s life which later led to
Excellent Student Syndrome: one doesn’t know what they like, how they feel, what they want. Choice of a meal in restaurant was becoming a torture and made Sofia cry or blindly point at random line on the menu. For a long time she expressed emotions she never had, but was supposed to feel, such as excitement at a party or sadness after getting bad news and so on. Sofia had a feeling as if she was not living her life.
Being in a toxic relationship she started to become distant from reality or “depersonalized”. After analyzing the situation Sofia realized it was a defense mechanism she unconsciously used to protect herself. Her partner didn’t take the situation seriously or pay any attention in general, saying he was too busy or tired.
“You are still alive, you want these feelings and give out loads of those, but nobody wants it. And after all you turn off the feelings to avoid pain and suffering”
This is why her emotions started to disappear.
“I knew that I cannot live like this. Now I have a new caring partner and I just escaped from that toxic relationhip. I discovered a lot of news: turned out it is ok when your parner is not yelling at you, threatening, choking you or breaking furniture in rage”
Sofia also wasn’t used to being called beautiful and cute, to hugs and expressions of kind feelings without a special occasion.
“Manipulation is a horrible tool when someone is good at it. They can force you to feel and think anything and you won’t even understand it. The only way to escape is to stay alone for some time, in peace and quiet at least for 3 days. Only then I started understanding that something is wrong with my life, that I was like a doll and he was just playing with me.”
Sofia’s current partner helped her get away from the former, abusive one.
Sofia used to work 12 hour shifts at a factory, then visit gym for weight training “then I would come home, eat three tomatoes and blame myself for eating too much”. This is how her eating disorder developed. Sofia is still eating small portions, controls her weight an does a lot of sports. Her body became insensitive after dramatic weight loss in addition to other physiological damages.
Sofia started to pay attention to the changes in her body only after she started losing energy, then she started bringing her eating habits back together on her own. Finally, she succeeded; her former partner supported her that time.
Sofia perceives any emotions as good ones, even negative feelings are good for her because they help her be more alive. That is why one should accept all the feelings, even negative ones.
“There are two ways: you can analyze what happened, accept it and move on; or you can give up and fall in sorrow so deep that only professional’s help will get you out of it”
“You should always listen to yourself!”
“You shouldn’t express unnatural emotions which you don’t actually feel and find something, that will make you truly happy. And those are definitely somewhere.”
